Chaos

I require things in my life to maintain a certain sense of order. Without this order, my life becomes unnecessarily stressful and accomplishing any task at hand is viewed as virtually impossible. I am able to place all of my things in neat little boxes exactly where they belong. I have a drawer for each clothing item and my closet is color coordinated. I am not OCD per say, but I do have a specific way of managing my life which is efficient and effective. And then there are these things. These things that do not fit into any of my boxes. They cannot be color coordinated, and I have yet to find a designated place for them to belong. They are not clean or able to be condensed. They are emotions. And they are the worst of all, for it is not something I have control over. I cannot choose to turn my emotions on or shut them off. And this disastrous mess of a thing creates chaos. It causes me to become distracted from everything around me. I try to do my homework, but instead my mind wanders in thousands of directions. I try to sleep and instead lay awake staring at the ceiling as if some magical answer will appear on the stark white above me. I take my emotions and try to shove them into different mind compartments, but they leak out and pollute all the boxes I have worked so hard to maintain as separate entities. I only wish that my world could be so simple. If only I could contain these beasts. If only... If only...

Breathing

Occasionally, it sucks to be a person. It feels like all of the breath is escaping from my body in vain. What do my individual moments even mean. There is so much I want to do- so much I want to be. But instead I am stuck living the day in/ day out "adventure" of breathing my moments away like the rest of humanity. This is not to say that there are not moments of joy. It is simply to say that amidst, there is always moments of void- of space. I want to help end hunger. I want to help bring joy and love. But there are duties that every human it seems is obligated to fulfill. Because when I want to comfort a hurting friend, I must go to classes. When my body is sick and needs sleep, I must go to work. While there are children in foster care without a home, I must build my future so that I can make a home. It seems like life is always a step ahead. I am always working for the future and rarely for the present. All the things that I want... Must wait. All of the injustice I see or hear about in the world, I have no leverage to change. I can live for Jesus in the little moments but what if I want my life to be worth more. What if I can't handle seeing the injustice and pain around me any longer? And so I breathe in... I breathe out... And that is one less breath I have forever. 8/29/14