You Again

Somehow I see you in every decision I make. I see the endless girls you led on and though I strive with all my might to fight against that which I hated, my choices mirror those you once made. I wish that I could beg you to explain to me why. I wish I could ask you if the struggle was worthwhile. Would you have done anything differently? It is easy to dissociate from my decisions sometimes. I wake up in the morning and tell myself that it is a new day, but this only blinds me from the monster I have become. I wonder if maybe you did the same. The morning after you slept with another woman, did you tell yourself it was a new day? You see... I once was innocent. This journey used to be less rough, but once that innocence escaped me it is as if the very will to fight did as well. Existence now seems to be an uphill battle. It is a constant war raging within my soul for the side I will take. In some moments though, winning feels like losing and losing feels like winning. At least this is the lie my flesh speaks to me. I remember hearing you and thinking that you had all the right answers in your head but could never apply them to your heart. But I now realize that maybe this isn't true. Maybe your heart had the right answers as well, but it was simply your hormones that couldn't get it figured out. I think about how you left all of your life behind, and I wonder if maybe it would be wise for me to do the same. But I have come to the conclusion throughout the years that you are who you are no matter where you go. The Bible says, "Flee from temptation." But there is only so far you can flee when the temptation is consuming your heart. One day... Perhaps this will all make sense. Maybe I will look back on this moment, and I will know that it was all worthwhile. I just hope that the one day comes. I just pray that the struggle will one day cease. But then I hear my thoughts and think, "It's you again." 9/2/14